Self Analyzing

I self analyze a little too much I think, which is probably why I am so critical of myself. But in all the introspection comes a few insights. Like this one for example.

I hate being alone, it makes my depression worse.

I still feel alone surrounded by my kids. I feel alone sitting in my bedroom with my parents upstairs watching t.v. I basically feel alone whenever I am not with my friends / extended family/ or my husband. In part of my analyzing about this I really think this is a key reason why I do struggle with depression.

As much as I crave "me" time and "quiet" time, the minute I get it, I'm lonely. I took some "me" time this week to go see Eclipse (yes, you are all shocked because I swore I never would --- but hey, it looked good, so I caved). I was so sad the whole time, because I was alone. I was grateful for the kid break, but my spirit wasn't rejuvinated like I wanted it to be because I wasn't sharing it with anyone.

Today we went to a friends Baptism to show our love and support. Afterward they had a dinner for everyone at their house and they invited us to join in (me and the kids that is). We were the only "non-family" there. At first I felt a little self-concious about that, but I go over it pretty fast. Everyone was very kind and friendly to us. I got to sit and listen to and talk to other friends and adults, and the kids had a blast with all their friends and their friends cousins. Before we left I thanked my friend for letting us "horde" in on their family day. She told me we weren't hording in and that we were just adopted family. I cried all the way home, I'm crying now. I needed to feel included. I needed to feel not alone.

Maybe part of my growth process during this deployment is finding peace with myself when I am alone. To be okay with being alone and not feel lonely. But it is so hard sometimes. I just want Ron home.