This month has been the worst month EVER in terms of emotional roller coasters. In fact, many days I just cried and cried. I have experienced confusion, unbelief, fear, anxiety, anger, rage, sadness, despair, frustration, guilt, physical pain, relief, peace and I'm sure many many more that I can't describe. I'll tell you the whole story, mostly because I need to journal about this, but I beg for your understanding and patience as I tell the story.
The week before Mothers Day I found out that I was pregnant. This was a HUGE and unplanned surprise. This triggered most of the above mentioned emotions. Ron and I have felt for a long time that our family was complete. I have even been getting rid of all our baby items as soon as Tess grew out of them. The only things we have left are the crib and changing table. We were downsizing. To say the least, I was devastated by the news. Let me explain why before you get angry with me.
1. I was due the end of January, and Ron redeploys around Christmas. I would be all alone AGAIN for the delivery and after.
2. I had no idea how we would fit another person in our small house. Every inch is full. The only spot for a crib would be in my closet, where my craft table is set up. I would loose my only private spot in the whole house.
3. This next deployment was already going to be hard. My closest friend and ALL my babysitters are moving this summer. I am very concerned about my mental state remaining in tact if I won't have occasional breaks from my kids.
4. Selfishly I am already counting down to when Tess will start preschool. I am anxious to have more personal time to develop my talents and learn new things. Another child would put all that back another 3 years.
I realize that some of my reasons are selfish, I know that. But when your mind has been set on a course for so long, and then it is radically changed its hard to take. Literally every day since I found out I was pregnant I have thought "I can't do this. This is too much for me to handle and do on my own." I made Ron start looking into getting out of the Army, I was that serious. I knew if I was going to get through this I would need Ron by my side, and being in the Army wouldn't allow that. Ron was more than a little concerned about me, and was willing to consider getting out even though he loves what he does. Most of my prayers were said through tears and I will admit that they were mostly whining and complaining prayers - asking, no begging for a miracle. I even prayed for the unthinkable, I prayed for a miscarriage. I know I'm awful. Especially since I have so many family members and friends that are desperately praying for children. I know that. But please understand that right now, in my circumstances, I can't handle another child.
I was starting to have moments when I was happy about it. I love being pregnant, I have very easy pregnancies. I love babies. I was sure that the baby was a boy. The baby blanket I made (and posted pictures of) was for the baby. I bought enough material to make the whole crib set. That was my small attempt at acceptance. I even started making a name list. My favorite was Brody, Ron's was Gabriel. I finally told close friends and immediate family. I stopped crying every day.
Last Wednesday I started cramping and spotting. I wasn't too concerned because I had similar problems with Emma and everything was fine. By Friday it hadn't stopped so OB told me to go to the ER. Blood work and an ultrasound later: no heart beat or fetal movement, and my hormone levels were way too low. They told me I was miscarrying, and sent me home with pain meds and said to let nature take its course.
Now a new wave of emotions came. More guilt, pain, sadness, but also relief and peace. I kept asking the questions," did I make this happen?" "is this my fault?" Of course, Ron told me it wasn't, but its hard to accept. I felt guilty for wanting to miscarry and guilty that it happened. I felt sad for the loss, and wondered what the baby would have looked like. I was grateful that this happened, but also devastated. Typical female emotions. I woke up Saturday morning and for the first time in a month I wasn't depressed, frustrated or worried. I could really breathe. I felt like things were right again, the way they should be.
I'm still in physical pain, vicadin is my new friend. I saw the Dr. today and I am recovering well; nature is running its course. I feel hopeful again, happy even. I look at my 4 beautiful kids and I'm grateful I have them. They are all so unique and special and I can't imagine my life without them. I still have no idea why this happened. I don't know what I'm suppose to learn from this. My head is still a huge jumble of emotions, slowly sorting out. But I do know this. I am incredibly grateful to my dear family and friends who have loved and comforted me through this. A huge thank you to my sisters; Jenna for being the only one who could understand EXACTLY how I was feeling, Jacque for letting me complain and be grumpy but giving me a deadline, and Adriann for being willing to hop on a plane to be with me. I love you all.
Odd tidbits I discovered today.
*Reduced fat Club crackers taste better than original
*Having your heat on in June is seriously disturbing
*An OB office is a very depressing place to be if your not pregnant
* I am a perfect statistic, 1 out of 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage.
