COUNTDOWN

Do you ever want to scream at people and tell them to just stop pointing out the obvious? That’s how I have felt the last 4 days. Starting with Thursday night when I went to my last Coffee group. I was so sad to say goodbye to these PHENOMENAL women and my Army support group. Everyone was asking me when I was leaving, where I was going, blah blah blah. They pointed out to me that it was just 3 weeks away – 3 weeks!! Leaving that night I was filled with so many emotions. All of these women are pillars of strength to me, and wonderful examples of what being an Army Wife is all about. I was incredibly sad to be losing their support and encouragement for this upcoming deployment. They all “said” that they understood why I was going home and that I needed to do what was best for my family, but they also pointed out something to me that I knew but didn’t want to think about. Having family to support you during a deployment is great, but they just don’t “get it”. They don’t. They can try all they want but there is a huge void there that they can’t fill. There is nothing they can say or do to help you truly feel comforted. As opposed to your Army family, who all you have to do is be with them and you are comforted. You don’t have to cry on each other’s shoulders, or complain about all your woes, or even say anything at all. Because we get it, and that is enough. Just being together is a calming balm on my spirit. I was crushed when they pointed out this fact, that I already knew, I have already lived, and it all came rushing back. This is going to be very, very tough. The pit in my stomach arrived.

What is the pit you say? Well I’ll tell you. The pit comes before every deployment. The heavy pit of loneliness that just lies in wait for the day that he leaves. The pit that is your constant companion until he steps off that plane. It never, never, ever, goes away. I’ve been very happy that the pit waited so long to come this time. Usually I put up my wall before he leaves, a way to protect myself from losing it. I haven’t put up the wall yet. I am blissfully trying to live in denial for as long as possible, so I can enjoy every last second with him.

The second time I wanted everyone to shut up and stop pointing out the obvious was on Friday. I had a fun play date with two of my closest friends and a new friend. I told them the exact date of my departure (Thursday, March 18th) and they flipped out. They must have said “That’s less than 3 weeks away!” at least 10 times. I just kept thinking, “I know, so stop pointing it out!” I haven’t made lists yet, I haven’t started major packing, I have been putting off doing EVERYTHING. Because in 3 weeks I don’t just move. If that was it, it would be a whole different ball of wax. In 3 weeks, I leave the first place I have loved living in. I leave our first home that my husband has spent thousands of hours making beautiful for me. I am leaving dear friends. I am saying goodbye to my best friend, my companion, my rock. I am driving across the continental United States with 4 kids and a leopard gecko. I am moving in with my parents. Do you see why I want to live in denial just a little bit longer? Just a little bit – pretty please!! I know I can’t stop time. I know I have to get serious and make things happen. I have to start packing, make all the arrangements to close up shop here and move to California. I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO. I just don’t want other people pointing it out to me – not yet anyway.