I need to vent a little. I am having such a hard time with this one. Ron left Afghanistan on Saturday, still not a word from him. I have no idea where he is or when he’ll get here. I want to kill him for not keeping me informed. I am so terrified, nervous, anxious, and frustrated that I think I’m getting an ulcer; I feel like I’m going to throw up all day long. I hate feeling like this, but I have felt it every time we are reunited after a separation, all the way back to when we dated. For some reason I get horribly nervous and terrified that I won’t still love him, that things will be different, he’ll be different, I’ll be different. Its torture!
And I wonder if this whole R&R thing is really worth it. I don’t know if I want him to come and visit. It’s really hard to go back to normal life for a few weeks and then be ripped apart again inside. It’s like being told you won a million dollars in the lottery, so for two whole weeks you’re on cloud nine and then they rip it away from you and say “Just kidding!” I’d much rather stay in this frame of mind that the kids and I are all alone and we have this routine going, and not mess it up. I don’t want to deal with the sadness that my kids will go through when their dad leaves them again. The worrying starts again, will he come back whole (mentally and physically), will he get hurt, will we get a horrible knock at the door or a scary phone call? It’s never ending.
Do I want him around? Will I be able to talk to him? Will our relationship still be strong? Who knows! How can anyone stay connected to someone else that they can only talk to once a week for twenty minutes? It’s impossible! By the time I get used to him again, it will be time for him to go back to “work”.
Oh, and try explaining to a 4 year old that her daddy is just coming for a visit, like cousins do, and then he has to go back to “work”. Do you think she gets it? Of course not! And again, who gets to deal with that aftermath – you got it – ME!
I do want to see him, of course I do, but it’s still awkward and weird at first. I just really hate this. I wish it were already over. Just get here already!!!
