Trying to fight through it

Most of you know that I struggle with depression.  I have been on and off anti-depressants for years now.  Every once in a while I get it in my head that I should be able to conquer my depression symptoms on my own, so I go off my meds, like now for example.  That decision is somewhat questionable.  Can I fight through it most days and keep functioning? - yes.  Like today.  I don't want to do anything, and I really mean everything.  I have to physically make myself get up and move and do things - even simple things like getting dressed.  Right now it is 10:40am and I am proud of myself because I got a shower, got dressed, just finished my hair (that's big because I could have just put it in a pony tail), got kids off to school, sewed 4 of my placemats (current project) and finished 2 loads of laundry (3 more to go).  But I am forcing myself to do this because I know that when Tess gets on the bus at 11:30 that I am going to lay down and take a nap - hopefully until 3pm when my kids start getting home.  You might be impressed but don't be, because there are big things that I didn't do today - like going on my run for example, and eating healthy (just ate a ding dong and there is half a blizzard in the freezer with my name on it).

So you can see that I struggle.  I know logically that this time of the month is harder on my emotions, and I try to not let that get me more down, but it's hard.  It's hard to move, when all you want to do is lie down on your bed and stare out your window.  But I have to get through today, and the next day, and the next.  I keep trying to fight through it.

First Day of School

First Day of School for us was actually 3 weeks ago.  The three oldest started on August 1st and Tess started this past Tuesday on August 16th.  Unfortunately for my kids but fortunately for me they had a very short summer, only 6 weeks long.  Thats just the way it is, sometimes you get the short end of the stick.  Maybe the next time we move they'll have a really long summer.  Anyway, to the pictures.

I try to not emabaress my teenager, so I took pictures from a distance with the zoom so he wouldn't be mortified.  Tyson is now a big 8th grader, HOLY COW!!

I had to take a picture of him getting on the bus because my kids have never riden a bus to school before.  So far they still like it.  I hope it lasts the whole year!!

Next up were Emma and Zach.  They were nice and let me get their picture up close!!  They aren't embarressed of their mom yet.  Zach is a big 6th grader and Emma is in 4th. 

The Fort Knox schools are organized rather oddly to me.  Pre-K thru 3rd grade is at the Elementary School.  4-6th grade is at the Intermediate School.  7 and 8th grade are at the Middle School and then 9-12 is at the High School.  So this year I have kids at 3 different schools.  Next year I'll have all 4 schools.  I am soooo glad they ride the bus.  Oh and the bus stop is just right next door, HOORAY!

Tess was very anxious for her first day of school.  She got bored very quickly when her siblings left her all alone all day.  The only kink was that Tess has afternoon preschool so all morning long it was "Is it time for school yet?"  It drove me crazy very quickly, but I tried to be patient because I knew she didn't understand.

Isn't she just so cute!!  I took some pictures of her at school with my iPhone that I put on facebook.  It was a little chaotic at the school that first morning.  Tess also rides the bus but on the first day I drove her.  Now she rides the bus to and from school with her sweet bus driver and monitor to sit with all the little ones and keep them safe (they have a seperate bus for just the preschoolers and the kindergardners).  They say that she sings the whole way to school and home.  Apparantly the current favorite is The Wheels On The Bus.  Appropriate I think, don't you?

Exploring Kentucky

Every place we move we try to explore our area and find all the cool places to go.  So I've been asking everyone I talk to where we should go and what we should do.  With the current heat wave we wanted to avoid most things outdoors, but the caves are nice and cool so we checked them out.

Who knew that Kentucky had so many awesome caves?  We went down to Mammoth Caves State Park when my mom came to visit.  They have lots of tours but they filled up, so we took the self guided short tour.  It was nice and cool and the kids thought it was really neat.  They were hoping to see some bats, but thankfully we didn't.

 Walking down to the cave entrance.  It was steaming hot out!!



 I kept trying to take pictures and the flash kept blinding everyone!  I thought it was kind of funny but it was driving everyone else crazy (hee hee hee!)

 With my mom with us we got to take a family photo.  Unfortunately I didn't realize how see through my blouse was!!

 Zach holding up the cave walls.  What a strong boy!

So Frustrated

Everything is so frustrating lately.  Nothing has been straight forward or easy.  Everything from setting up cable and internet, putting up a fence, registering my kids for sports and school, buying school supplies and school clothes, and even doing a "simple" craft.  I don't expect everything to be easy, but when everything gets complicated when it doesn't need to be, or when I'm not given all the information I need to complete my task, so it ends up taking a million extra steps - it gets really old really fast. 

I'm an Army wife.  I'm learning the Army system.  I expect needless, useless, endless paper work to be apart of the program.  But when I think I've done everything that I need to, jumped through all the military "hoops", and then you throw a stupid curve ball at me, I want to throw things at you!!!  So needless to say I am a little tired of everything going wrong.

Then today, I thought I would do a fun craft to use some of my creativity and finish decorating my girls room.  All I wanted to do was spray paint some letters and hang them up in my girls room.  But no, that would be too easy!!  I set up the spray paint outside on the driveway, one coat in, and the bugs started swarming.  Ughhhhhhhhhhhh!  I kept picking off bugs and got the main coat on.  After it was dry enough I brought them inside to my basement, picked of the last of the bug guts and put another coat on to try and cover up the mess.  So frustrating, that I couldn't even do something simple like spray paint letters without something going wrong.  Eventually it turned out cute, but it took alot longer than it needed too.

I need something to go right for a change.  Please!!!

Finally settled in Kentucky

Well, we are finally pretty settled in Kentucky.  Everything is unpacked, mostly organized, and 90% of the decorating is done (only because I ran out of nails so I can't hang anything else up).  The kids are registered for school and school supplies are bought.  They start school on Monday August 1st, only a few more days to go.  They will ride the bus this year, which we are all excited about,and the bus stop is just a few yards from the house.  Tyson's school starts at 7:30 so he gets on the bus at 7:05.  Zach and Emma start at 8:15, but they are the first pick up so they get on the bus at 7:25.  Tess will also ride the bus to half day preschool, but I don't know if she has the am or pm class yet.  Tess is super excited to go to school everyday like her brothers and sister and we are all excited for her. 

So this is a whole new phase for me.  Several hours a day with no kids.  I'm super excited for the break, it's been 13 years in coming, but I'm also worried.  What am I going to do?  I'm not working, at least not yet, I don't have any friends yet, and I haven't done any projects in forever.  I haven't had time for hobbies in a long time, so I don't know what to do with myself.  If Tess has a.m. preschool, then I can get my workout in while she is at school, but other than that I am stumped.  I've been completely bored lately.  Besides unpacking and organizing (which gets really old, really fast) I have nothing to do.  Oh and its a million degrees here with high humidity so we stay inside all day because its like a sauna outside.  So I need some advice here people!!!  What do I do with my life and my extra time?

My biggest complaint about this move is that noone has been friendly or welcoming.  Three people at church have talked to us on a weekly basis, and none of the neighbors have stopped by to introduce themselves.  So I know what your going to say, "you have to get out of your comfort zone and go to them."  Well I have.  I've gone to the neighbors with kids and introduced our family so the kids have friends to play with.  I went to the family that just moved in last week, baked them some banana bread, and welcomed them to the neighborhood.  We went to the ward pioneer activity and everyone ignored us except for the three people I mentioned earlier.  I'm just really frustrated.  I'm sick of having to initiate everything.  Why can't just one person be nice and come up to me?  Just one! 

I sit in church and look around (at the not very many people) and think "who here could be my friend?"  Wanna know what I come up with, NOONE!  And of course this primary is really struggling so I'm pretty sure I know what my calling with be.  Oh and get this - our second week in the ward I was pretty sick with a cold so I was totally drugged up for church.  Right after sacrament meeting, a sister comes up to me, says "I know your new in the ward but would you be willing to help out in Nursery today?"  I just stared at her for a second.  She didn't introduce herself, say hello, or even ask me my name, just a "will you help?"  Normally I would have bit the bullet and said yes, but since I was sick I used that excuse and said no.  I was pretty perturbed by that encounter.  I realize they really need help, but I just couldn't get over how rude she was.  She didn't even say hello or welcome to the ward.  I'm not having any warm and fuzzy feelings about this ward yet.  Anyone want to PCS to Fort Knox so I can have a friend?  Pretty please????  I promise to help you unpack and get settled!!

Anyway, I'll post pictures soon of our fun summer activities.  My pictures are being stupid, so when they start cooperating then I'll post things.  In the mean time, I welcome any and all suggestions.

Days Like Today Are Hard

Today should have been a great day. Zach had his promotion ceremony for finishing 5th grade and moving on the Middle School. He received an award for maintaining a 4.0 gpa for the whole school year. That means alot to me since he's the one that has struggled the most with this deployment. Tyson also got 3 awards at school for his academic excellence (he is also a straight A student). So why was it not a good day? Ron wasn't here to see it, again. I sat there all alone clapping for my kids surrounded by all these other moms and dads.

Then today was a very important day for Ron. He has been a company commander for over 2 years now. Average command length is 12 - 18 months. Ron served for 27 months. Today was his last day as commander. He handed over the company to a new commander. There is a whole ceremony where he passes the company flag to the new commander. The whole company is there and stands at attention. The outgoing commander (Ron) gets to say a few words in goodbye to his unit. It's a really moving ceremony. I was there when he was given that flag to carry and I missed him handing that flag off. I missed it. I should have been there. These are the things that military wives look forward too. But I wasn't there for it. I couldn't be there for Ron and he couldn't be here for our kids.

So, this was a hard day for me. Only one more week till Ron gets here. Can't happen soon enough for me.

My Slow Progress, and a Little Bit of Memory Lane

Can you think back on your life and find things that you are proud of yourself for accomplishing?

I can think of only one.  Don't get me wrong I have done plenty of things, but I don't consider any of them accomplishments.  And don't bring up the deployments, because I don't think that I accomplished anything with those, I simply SURVIVED them.  Most things in my life I simply make it through, or survive.  There is only one that I feel like "I did it!"  " I accomplished this hard task."  For me that task was getting my Bachelors Degree.

A little back story for you.  Ron and I met our first week of Freshman Year of College.  I was a 17 year old freshman, he was a 21 year old freshman.  We married that next summer, and had Tyson two years after that.  Ron made a promise to my dad when we got engaged that I would finish my college degree.  I promised the same thing, but having Ron say that he would support me in that goal was a big deal.  Tyson was born when I was a Jr. at BYU.  He was an angel baby and with the help of my siblings who babysat for me, I kept going to school full time.  Then Zach was born my last semester of BYU.  Luckily my last semester was only 2 classes, both at night only once a week.  Finishing my degree was not easy.  The school work wasn't difficult it was managing being a wife, mother, and student that got the better of me many times.  I struggled alot with feeling overwhelmed and incapable of doing everything that was expected of me.  Many, many, many times as I walked back up the hill to our apartment after my day on campus, I would just cry and cry.  I would visualize in my head the day that I had my last class, when I was finished, and I could call my dad and tell him that I had done it!  I visualized that image alot, and every time I would cry, just thinking about the relief and the pride that I would feel knowing I had accomplished that goal of mine.  I still cry when I think about those days.  I wanted the picture of me in cap and gown with my 3 boys standing by my side.  I got that picture, and it's priceless to me.

Well, now I am training for a half marathon and trying desperately to loose 40 pounds.  Today was a hard run for me.  I've had a hard few weeks and last week I let my depression get the better of me and I didn't run at all.  So today was back to the pavement, and I felt the pain!  About a mile in I was dying - legs like lead, chest killing me, couldn't get my breath.  So I started to visualize that picture in my head - running past the finish line, seeing my entire family there cheering me on (because I will be the last of us to finish, I'm sure), and knowing that I did it!!  I finished!  I accomplished something that I didn't think I could do!!!  As I started visualizing my grand finish, I started crying.  Have you ever tried to run while your crying?  I don't recommend it.  Basically I had to take a little break and walk for a bit before I could start running again.  But I kept that image in my head the whole run, and I will keep it in my head for the next few months.  That image is what will get me through, keep me pushing, and hopefully get me past that finish line.